I Have Had Enough

“I have had enough, Lord. Take my life,” he said (1 Kings 19:4). This “he” was Elijah, a renowned prophet of Israel, holy man of God, a voice of hope to the people under foreign oppression. Just one paragraph earlier, Elijah stood in bold victory as God upstaged the prophets of Baal in a miraculous display of His power. One moment Elijah was on top, trusting God in the face of opposition and certain death. Yet, sentences later, here is Elijah, depleted from despair and asking God to end his life. What happened in between? The king and queen of the prophets Elijah humiliated and punished were angry and threatened his life. Suddenly, this confident, hopeful man of God seemed to get a case of amnesia regarding God’s character and provision for his life.

It can be easy to read this from the narrator’s perspective and quickly judge Elijah for his wishy-washy attitude. “Where’s your faith, Elijah?” The truth is, Elijah was not being melodramatic; he genuinely felt hopeless in his dire circumstances, despite his history with the Lord. Maybe you know what this feels like. I sure do. As someone who has dealt with clinical anxiety and depression most of my life, I have judged myself for my lack of “faith” when suddenly both circumstantial and neurological “heaviness” sets in and will not seem to lift, no matter what I do. I, too, have thought, “life feels like too much to carry on.”

As we eventually see with Elijah, we get a clear picture of the end result: a God who cares deeply and seeks to minister to us completely. God does not desire to leave us in the pit. In the case of Elijah, He sends angels to feed Elijah and tell him (three times) to rest until he is rejuvenated for the next leg of his journey. I am still learning how to respond in seasons and circumstances of depression, but what I take from Elijah is that I am invited to cry out to God in the honesty of my despair and receive His restorative strength.

That’s faith – the ability to seek God in our weakness, understanding we can’t move forward on our own, but He can when we allow Him. Sometimes we need to pause and eat a snack or take a nap to regroup and recharge, and other times we need to sit with our Father and trusted counsel (or professionals) as we address the pain in our lives. Even in the darkness, we can hold onto the hope that God will always minister to us, His beloved child, no matter how we feel.

Resources:

If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or harm to another, please reach out to the National Suicide Hotline for anonymous counsel and resources: 988. If you’d like to connect with a counselor or pray with a pastor at Calvary, please contact our confidential 24/7 Minister On-Call line: 818-991-8040.